Amazon, Chapter Three

(Further to posts from 16th January and 18th January)

The following account is based on actual events which
occurred in County Down and the Philippines within living memory.

****

Phone rings.

'Hello?'

'Good morning, this is X from Amazon UK. I understand you requested telephone help, please tell me what problem you are having.'

'Thanks for calling. My name's Mike Faulkner. I have had an Amazon customer account for some years and every so often I update my profile with new information. As of last week, when I try to update the 'In your own words' section, I am told that I must not use profanity. There is no profanity in the text and I realise that this is a computer-generated response, but I need to be able to update my profile. I raised the problem last week and was told that Amazon had manually updated my profile for me and that the new version would appear within three days. So far, nothing. Can you help?'

'Do you have an Amazon account?'

'Yes I have a customer account.'

'And you want to write a review?'

'I do write reviews on Amazon, but no, I just want to update my profile.'

'I'm going to put you on hold for a moment, is that ok?'

'Certainly.'

Five minutes later:

'Hello Mike, I've been having a look at this. Do you want to comment on a review?'

'No, as I say, I just want to update my profile.'

'Which profile do you wish to update?'

'Well, I have an Amazon customer account. I'm also an author and have an author's page in Author Central which has a separate profile on it - but I don't want to update that, I just want to update my customer profile.'

'Ok. I'm going to look at this. Do you mind if I put you on hold?'

'OK.'

Eight or ten minutes later:

'Mike, I've been looking into this. You are in Author Central and you want to change your author details.'

'No, Author Central is irrelevant because I'm talking about my customer account. Amazon doesn't even know that the Michael Faulkner who has a customer account is the same Michael Faulkner who has an author's page. It's the customer account profile I want to change.'

'What happens when you try to change it?'

'I get a message saying that I'm not allowed to upload text containing profanity, but there isn't any profanity in the text.'

'Mike, I'm going to look at this matter for you. I have to put you on hold for a moment, is that alright?'

'Well, I'm wondering if there is a supervisor available as it doesn't sound as though you're going to be able to help?'

'I can help you with this. I'm going to put you on hold for just a moment.'

Thirty-six hours later:

'Hello Mike, sorry to keep you waiting. I've been looking into this for you. There is a button on your profile page which says, 'Edit Profile'. That is the way to update your profile.'

'Are you sure you can't put me on to a supervisor? I'm starting to get a bit angry because we've been through all this before and I don't really have the time. Of course I know about the Edit button. That's how I tried to update my profile in the first place.'

'Just give me a few moments, I'm going to look at this for you. Can I put you on hold once again?'

'No please, can you just put me on to a supervisor?'

'I can put you through to a supervisor, yes. I'm just going to put you on hold for a moment.'

'Ok, thanks.'

Forty days and forty nights later:

'Hello Mike, it's X again. I think I can help you with this.'

'Please, I'm begging you. Please put me on to a supervisor.'

'You want to speak to a supervisor?'

'Yes, you see I'm begging now. Please. I don't have time. Please, yes thank-you.'

'I'm going to ask you to hold for a few moments.'

The following summer:

'Hello Mr.Faulkner. This is Y, the supervisor. I understand you are having some problems posting a review on Amazon..'

***

This account has been abridged in
compliance with the Mental Health Act 1983.